Okay you guys, in the last few posts that have dealt with Star Wars, I’ve expressed an ambivalence towards tidbits about the next movie, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”, opening December 18th. On one hand, I really don’t want to know another single thing about it. I just want to go into deep freeze and stroll into the theatre opening night and have the whole thing wash over me. AND YET ON THE OTHER HAND there is a part of me that just cannot STOP clicking on every last thing related to Star Wars, new and old.
On the social media, I follow accounts that post pics of classic toys, stills from the movies, fun facts, and what not. In fact the other day I spent QUITE SOME TIME looking at behind the scenes pics of Carrie Fisher and I’ve come to the conclusion that she looks/looked hottest when she was in her Hoth uniform, NOT as Jabba’s slave girl. I don’t know what that says about me as a person, but there it is.
So yesterday, Disney released something on Instagram. I’m not sure you could even call it a trailer, because Instagram vids only last about 15 seconds or so. I saw the link and I said to myself, “I’m not gonna click. I’m not gonna click. I’m not gonna click.” but guess what, dear reader?
I don’t regret it. The little clip doesn’t really tell us much, but it definitely is hitting all the right buttons. Shall I describe it for you? I’m sure it’ll take longer than 15 seconds, so you might as well go and watch it yourself, if you are so inclined. OR, if you are like the better part of me, you’ll have nothing to do with this clip or this blogpost, and if that’s the case, then I bid “Good Day” to you sir or madam, and we’ll see you at the next post, sometime in September.
All right, I think all those self-righteous assholes are gone now. We can continue.
So, the clip opens up with a breathtaking “over the shoulder” shot of what appears to be an imperial officer flanked by a couple of stormtroopers (I know those new designs are cool but WHY did they have to change them? The old stormtrooper uniforms were one of the constants in the original three, despite the fact that they added modified armour along the way eg. Hoth Snowtroopers, Biker Scouts, etc). I don’t know. I would feel slightly better if the stormtroopers just LOOKED LIKE STORMTROOPERS. I guess after 30 years even the empire upgrades their equipment) and you can see that they are on some kind of platform overlooking an entire army of stormtroopers. I guess the whole “Blowing up the Second Death Star” thing didn’t completely wipe them out, and that makes sense.
The next shot is a quick new one of two new characters, the delightful little “soccer ball” droid known as BB-8, and a young women who is either called “Daisy Ridley” or “Rey”. I think Daisy Ridley is the actress’s name, but it is also a pretty cool Star Warsy name too. Both have worried and/or concerned looks on their faces. Or at least Daisy Rey Ridley does. The other thing is just a puppet.
Then we switch to a quick shot of something we’ve seen in the trailer before, but it’s so cool I didn’t mind seeing it again. It is a winter scene (Hoth? No, surely not, maybe? I’m okay if it isn’t, but BY GOD DO THEY GO TO HOTH?) in a wooded area and some sinister looking cloaked dude ignites his RED lightsaber (he’s gotta be sith, right?) and the damn thing ignites and not only does it have a long sword blade, it also has two smaller sideways blades like a medieval “King Arthur” style sword.
Then it cuts to another new character, who I believe is called “Finn” (see, I hate myself a little for even knowing that) played by a guy name John Boyega . I’m going out on a limb to suggest that since John Boyega is black and the ONLY OTHER BLACK GUY IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE is Lando Calrissian, then this guy is ACTUALLY LANDO and LEIA’s secret LOVE CHILD and guess what, nerds? I’m guessing that Daisy Rey is HAN AND LEIA’S DAUGHTER and so they are SECRET SIBLINGS, Luke and Leia style. What do you think of my crazy theory that I just came up with two seconds ago? It sort of calls back the original trilogy in a different way and if it means a SECRET CAMEO of BILLY DEE WILLIAMS saying, “Well, what have we HERE?” then I may just poop my pants in the theatre. Fair warning to any of you who may be brave enough to venture out with me opening night. [Editor’s note: Mace Windu and Captain Panaka were also black, so you’re little theory of Finn being Lando’s lovechild is doubtful]
So anyway, this Finn chap ignites HIS lightsaber in response and it’s BLUE so you know he’s probably a good guy and the last time we saw a blue lightsaber it was falling down that ventilation shaft on Bespin (along with Luke’s hand, LOLOLOL.) so COULD THIS BE THE SAME LIGHTSABER? If Finn was Lando’s secret son, then JUST MAYBE.
And then the music swells and the 15 second instagram spot just ends. No title card, no “Dec 18, 2015”, nothing. Which is fine. Lawrence Kasdan, screenwriter on this and a little something called “The EMPIRE STRIKES BACK” has said that the movie will be tight, and you’ll be left wanting more, which is exactly what we want. I love the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but guys, come on. I hope the movie isn’t “insta video tight” if you know what I mean, but still. Two solid hours will be just the right thing.
I think it’s cool that this little clip only features the new cast. I really can’t wait to see how they balance the old with the new. Is it like 50/50, is it heavy with the old cast but introduces the new cast who will carry the next two movies. Are the olds more like cameos? Does Luke die and become a ghost? How does Chewy get his coat so nice and shiny? I bet he uses Teatree oil.
It wasn’t long before Funny Or Die? produced a little clip lampooning this one. It pretty much follows the original until it cuts to Finn and his darn lightsaber won’t ignite. He says something like, “My batteries! I’ve gotta change my batteries” or something. Cute.
Oh, I should mention too that you can hear a voiceover in the whole thing say something like, “There is an awakening in the force. Can you feel it?” The voice sounds vaguely like the emperor (But he’s dead, right?), or like Darth Maul (but they snipped him in two, right? Right?) so I don’t know WHO it could be, but yeah dude: We’ve all felt it. You can stop asking us.
So there you have it. A thousand words for 15 seconds. If I were head of Disney marketing, I wouldn’t even bother with a full trailer at this point. What’s the POINT? Do you really think there are people out there on the fence about seeing this? People going, “Hmmm. Star Wars. I’ve heard a bit about this. I hear it’s coming out at Christmas, but I don’t know if I want to go see it. If only I knew a little more about it…” NO. There is NO ONE like that out there. We are all going to go see it. I KNOW I’m going to see it twice. Once on opening night (or as close to opening night as humanly possible) and once later with my daughter. (The dream is still alive, you guys. Even though I haven’t shown her a single cel of any of the movies. She’s six! Is that child abuse? I mean I was six when Empire Strikes Back came out and I saw THAT in the theatre…)
Well, I promise you no more blog posts about star wars until December 18th. (Just like I’ve promised you over the last two or three months, and we all know how good I am at keeping these promises.) Did you know they are going to live stream the big reveal of all the star wars toys in early September? I mean, COME ON. Right? First of all, what about all the hugely major spoilers that will come of see what all the characters’ costumes, ships and vehicles look like? Also, I’m 41 years old. I should be arrested if my browser history showed that I spent an afternoon watching a live stream of action figures being released, right? I’m not gonna watch, I’m not gonna watch, I’m not gonna watch…