Well it’s getting to be close to decision time. You know what I’m taking about, right? The end of the ol’ deodorant is starting to look a little translucent and any day now it’s going to fall off in mid-application. You can almost see through the damn thing, and the corners of the plastic housing are getting a bit “scratchy” on the ol’ pits. TMI? We’re all friends here, and we’ve all been there, right?
I was trying to think when I last bought some underarm deodorant. Buying deodorant is a little bit like clipping your toenails. You do it fairly regularly but no one really keeps track. And before we go on, can we all agree that “anti-perspirant” is unnatural and unnecessary? I bought anti-perspirant by accident one time and I thought I WAS GOING TO DIE. It felt like all my underarm pores were stopped up and my poor sweat didn’t have anywhere to go. It was the weirdest feeling ever. Try as I might, I just couldn’t sweat. Sweating is natural, we all do it, so let’s not pretend we don’t. I’m a deodorant man, through and through.
I thought I should do a little “pre-shopping” so I’ll be prepared when the big day comes. You’ve got your Mennen speedsticks, which I SOMETIMES get, although that was my Dad’s brand and I’m not too keen on smelling like my Dad. It’s not that my Dad had a bad smell, he just had a “Dad” smell and I’m not sure I’m quite ready for that. He also used to wear sandals with brown dress socks, and I sort of feel like Mennen Speedstick is the scented version of that. And what’s with that name, “Speedstick”? It doesn’t go on any faster than any other deodorant that I’ve tried, and it’s not really a stick of anything, is it? It’s not like a stick of gum, or like a stick at all.
Then you’ve got your “Axe Body spray” line of deodorants. I tend to avoid these as well because I am not a rapist.
That leaves (for dudes) pretty much a toss-up between the “Old Spice” line of deodorants or the “Irish Spring” line of deodorants. The names are exciting: “Game Day” (but who wants to smell like a locker room?) or “Pure Sport” (again, athlete’s foot, anyone?) I tend to be attracted to anything nautical or mountainous. It’s as if I want the world (and the ladies) to know that I am “down” with going scuba diving, but if the plan changes I am ALSO EQUALLY cool with ascending to a mountain’s summit somewhere. I guess I just want to put across the vibe that “I’m up for anything, world!” (except sports).
It’s a bit different for women. Ads would lead you to believe that “Secret” is where it’s at. Remember those ads? “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman”. What does that even MEAN? Does that mean if a lady gets stinkity stank, “Secret” will cover it up, and make you smell like unicorns and rainbows too?
A few years ago, my wife read something somewhere about aluminum content in deodorants and that if you rub too much of the stuff on your pits you put yourself at risk for Alzheimer’s later in life. Being an alarmist, (don’t even get her started on bay leaves, people), she did a ton of research and found a brand of deodorant that boasted that it was “aluminium” free. It was called “Tom’s of Maine”, (not to be confused with the beloved homo-erotic artist, Tom of Finland) and came home with some for her. This stuff was awful, (I was going to make a bad pun and say the stuff was the “pits” but I’ll spare us all). We were sitting in the living room, across the room from each other and I spoke without thinking, “Uh, what’s that SMELL?” Well, guess what? It was my wife. Not only did the deodorant not work, it actually aggressively pumped out horrible smell molecules into the air. It’s as if the deodorant took my wife’s natural stank and upped the ante 100 times and threw in a moldy calzone and dirty pull up.
The next day, Tom was sent back to Maine.
Her next experiment was with this “rock” deodorant. I’m not entirely sure how it works. Do you wet this bit of rock crystal and then stick it up there under your pits? That sounds kind of painful. Or do you wet it and then rub your fingers over the rock and then rub it into your armpits? That doesn’t sound very effective. I don’t know, and I’m not sure anyone knows. If anyone in the fanbase has had experience with “rock” deodorant, the comments field below awaits your knowledge. Plus, it’s a ROCK, people. Is that how our forefathers kept fresh? No. Our forefathers smelled horribly, I’m sure.
So I can’t even tell you what my wife uses now. I know she’s abandoned the rock and has not returned to “Tom’s”. I’ll have to ask her if she’s found an aluminium free option that doesn’t make her smell like a hobo.
So there you have it.
I think I have a good week or so before I have to make my final decision. It’s a toss up between Irish Spring’s “Fresh Scent” and Old Spice’s “Matterhorn”. I’m leaning towards the latter, if only to keep with this blog’s theme.